Words are everything

you can scream you can cry. you can punch things or at least try. but the truth is people’s words effect us in many ways. So much they linger in our minds for days. People say they don’t care what others think. So why is it when someone pisses you off you instantly reach for a drink. words are painful and words hurt. people are out there making others feel like dirt. its not alright and it’s not okay. but people continue to do it anyway.

Words hurt the most. Words can’t be undone. But in the end no ones won.

New beginnings

So I’ve officially got a new job starting in the nhs and I can honestly say I feel relieved about a new beginning. I love knowing I’ve achieved something else. I love the fact it’s a new journey. Something different. Something to learn. New things to be seen heard and shown. 2020 is definitely going to be my year.

Disheartening…

It’s so disappointing when people you thought were your friends turn out to be just fake phoneys. It’s so sad when you put your all into everything and everyone and always end up let down and disappointed. The truth is not everyone has the same morals as you and not everyone has the same heart as you. But if you always do good you just presume everyone will do good back as you’ve done nothing wrong…. oh no even people you think will never hurt you would tear your heart out your chest. It’s soul destroying. You trust so hard. You care too much. You respect so high. You big them up. And bang you end up hurt… the truth is you can only ever trust yourself and you can only ever rely on your self. Expect nothing from nobody and you’ll never be disaapointed

them down days

We all have them. Where we don’t wanna get up out of bed. Where we don’t wanna get dressed. Where we wanna stay led In the dark. Not necessarily because we are down or sad but sometimes just because we don’t feel up to anything. It’s okay to have them sorts of days. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to chill out. It’s okay to have a lazy day. Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.

today is completely different

Woke up this morning feeling like a complete heap of shit. I just can’t seem to get out of it. I go to work. I go to the gym. I see my friends. I have a good life. I don’t even know why I feel the way I do. But I feel like a slob. I feel like a big blob of nothing ness is the only way I can explain it. There’s a big dark cloud over me. I can’t put my finger on it. Everyone always sees me as a this big happy bundle of joy and the truth is that is the case because no matter what my mood is I smile to cover it up. But today it’s like I can’t hide it. No matter what I try I can’t hide it. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I really wouldn’t.

a day in a carers life

Being a Carer is exactly what it says in the name. caring….

it’s a lot more than taking people to the toilet. It’s a lot more than feeding those who can’t them selves.

It’s being a friend. It’s being someone they love. It’s being someone they trust. Someone they rely on. Someone they want to be around.

Your there the moment they open their eyes to say good morning. Your there when they go to sleep and to say good night. You wipe their tears when they cry. You smile when they laugh. you help them when their frustrated. you calm them down when their angry.

It’s like having a load of grand parents.

And everyone single one of them knows little things about you as you do them.

A daily routine goes something like this for an elderly person in a home

Good morning

Get ready

Breakfast

exercises

Brew

Lunch

Nap

Brew

Exercises

Activity

Tea time

Tv

Brew

Bed

Your there for every single second of that. But not just for one for everyone.

Being a carer sounds like a good daily routine doesn’t it????

& it can be sometimes.

Everyday is different….

There’s falls, deaths, ambulances, doctors, sick, blood, tears…

They tell you to not get attached but it’s impossible. Your there through everything. You never switch off. You find yourself going home worrying and panicking. You find yourself in the toilet wanting to scream. You find yourself crying. You find yourself skipping breaks. You find yourself staying later than you should. You find yourself not sleeping so good as so much is on your mind. You find yourself picking up extra shifts.

A Carer is not a job you do for money. A Carer isn’t just a job. It’s a life style. It’s because you care big. You love big. have a big heart.

being lied to.

Being lied to is officially the most disappointing thing. It’s that ‘ I’m not angry I’m just disappointed ‘ feeling.

It’s quite heart wrenching. But it’s also quite degrading. Because it means you wasn’t worth the truth. That hurts more.

Whenever you have a gut feeling always trust it as I always do and 80% of the time I’m right.

Being lied to, you can ask why they lied to over and over again but the truth is they won’t know or they will think that it was going to protect you from the truth.

But I think we’d all rather deal with the truth and get over it.

They lied because they didn’t want to lose you? Well they lost you for good even more for lying.

Being lied to makes so many questions run through your head.

Why would they?

What could possibly make them do that to you?

What was being covered up?

Why do I feel so hurt by this?

Truth is. Trust is the main factors of any relationship whether it be a partner a friend or a relative. When you trust someone you expect them to trust you back. That means telling the truth. Not hurting you. The basics really…

But the truth is not everyone has the same heart as you and not everyone has the same intentions as you….

trust yourself.

expect nothing from anyone and that way you can’t be hurt.

Bumping into the past when your at peak

Ever seen an ex when you least expect it?

A previous encounter that didn’t end so good?

A previous encounter that never really ended at all?

Someone you spoke to for a little while saw a few times but then it fizzled out?

Now tell me…

How amazing does it feel when your feel at your peak…

you know you look and feel better than what you did when you were involved with them.

Whether they hurt you or didn’t hurt you.

For them few seconds you feel amazing. Unstoppable like no one can touch you.

And the words ‘ your looking well ‘ come out.

Your looking well is the most polite way of saying.

Jesus Christ look at you….

Oh my god you look amazing

And a more subtle way of saying

Fuck I need that in my life

Now when this person left your life or paused there place in your life. You was bothered right?

Whether you told them that or just went quietly. Deep down you was bothered and missed that persons presence. Missed their name popping up on your phone. Missed them.

They probably weren’t bothered at the time because they couldn’t see you. They couldn’t see your facial expressions. They couldn’t hear the lump in your throat. They couldn’t sense your emotion. So it was so easy for them to cut it off or leave or walk away.

But now they’ve seen you.

Everything comes flooding back for them. The memories hit home. Everything that they felt suddenly becomes real.

And you simply say was nice to see you or you keep on walking.

When you walk.

They will start searching for you on social media. Look at your pictures. Reading old messages. Trying to reach out. Thinking about old times. All because they saw you.

And you’ll simply not be that one bit bothered.

For them that was their wake up call.

For you that was closure.

Instagram – so addictive but soul destroying

Everyone loves Instagram. Scrolling, hash tagging, watching what your favourite celebs are upto? Following your friends and family on all their adventures. Shopping for just about absolutely anything. The fact you can message absolutely anyone on the Instagram web.

Amazing right?

But Instagram can actually take over your mind. Destroy your soul. Take away any confidence you have. Make you over think many things. Without realising your clicking on it refreshing the page scrolling for a min or 2 and going off it. It becomes a habit. It becomes part of your routine.

Then suddenly you find yourself comparing yourself to others. Comparing your lives to others. Wanting things others have. Suddenly your life feels awful compared to others.

The truth is instagram only shows the best part of people’s lives it only shows what people want us to see. Everyone’s lives has their bad shares. Your life isn’t awful it’s just realistic and you live in every minute of it all. You feel every feeling. You make every move. Just like all the others. Just the photographs show big smiles, nice food, nice places and nice clothes doesn’t make them a better person than you.

Do not let Instagram ruin your self esteem.

Do not let Instagram ruin your confidence.

Do not let Instagram jeopardise your self love and worth.

Never compare.

Online Dating

online dating…. half the population live by it and half the population wouldn’t dream of it.

The truth is…. online dating is what you make of it.

You make a profile, upload your best pictures. Find people you think are attractive and get chatting right???

Oh it is not as easy as that…

Tinder- you swipe yes and no on people you think are attractive in your opinion. If they don’t fancy you they swipe no. Amazing. So if that face never pops up in your matches you know they basically thought you was ugly?

Confidence boost.

If you swipe yes and they’ve already swiped yes, brilliant. It’s a match. But what then? Do you speak first or do they? It’s all so confusing.

You upload new pictures and they react to it even if they’ve never spoken to you before. So is that because they can’t be arsed, don’t know how to approach a person or they want you to talk first. It makes no sense. Why match someone and not speak? Mind boggling at its finest.

Then the conversations….

Everyone bangs on about honesty is the best policy and it is but when people say to you directly I just want fun most people are like ‘ oh ‘ but why? If you only want fun. Isn’t that what your looking for?

Once again that’s a knock in ones confidence as it’s validation your not the type of person they would want to engage with on a more romantic level.

The conversations die out a lot and then what? You don’t speak again or they add you on other forms of social media and you wait to get the ball rolling another way?

It’s all just odd.

Bumble- this is the best one.

You swipe and swipe and swipe but females can only message first. So the males get to pick through all these lovely women but can’t do anything about it until the girl messages.

It’s baffling.

The truth is… online dating apps and websites. What are people going on there for?

A quick hookup? Dating? Meet new people or a relationship?

Because truly I don’t think most of them know. It’s just validation your attractive to others.

it’s hoping the person you swiped yes to swipes you back. it’s hoping your matches message you first.

Online dating is fantastic if your open minded and know what you want. But if it’s an angry lash out because you’ve had a bad breakup or your bored and you don’t know what the hell your doing it’s not ideal. You have to be ready for the comments and proposals that await you.