Do something that makes me happy everyday

Today I donated toiletries, hair accessories, hair products, nail accessories, nail products, perfume, body spray to my ward at the hospital.

Everyday I want to do something that makes my mood better and make myself feel better.

Yesterday was exercise.

today is donation.

My heart is bursting already.

My mind feels at ease.

No panicking. No working myself up. No freaking out. No anxious-ness.

Happy and feeling good.

Making patients hospital stay throughout this pandemic better.

routine

during this time of craziness, make a routine…

make time for exercise, reading, cleaning, re arranging, sorting, organising, detoxing, eating healthy, fresh air, music, games, TV.

make a schedule like you would at school. so you feel like there’s some order in your life. mental health is key. we need order and routine in our lives. stay safe. stay home. stay focused.

isolation

day 7 of isolation…. everyday has been a blur it’s all been rolled into one, i wouldn’t say my mental health has been tested i’d say more numbed. i don’t have any emotion towards anything or anyone and for once i’m happy.

i’m a health care assistant for the NHS and i just think the NHS is truly amazing. pulling together. the appreciation and the support we’ve had is unreal.

my mental state is focused on others. helping others. making others better. i want the world to get better. i want everyone to be okay. more importantly i want freedom.

Words are everything

you can scream you can cry. you can punch things or at least try. but the truth is people’s words effect us in many ways. So much they linger in our minds for days. People say they don’t care what others think. So why is it when someone pisses you off you instantly reach for a drink. words are painful and words hurt. people are out there making others feel like dirt. its not alright and it’s not okay. but people continue to do it anyway.

Words hurt the most. Words can’t be undone. But in the end no ones won.

New beginnings

So I’ve officially got a new job starting in the nhs and I can honestly say I feel relieved about a new beginning. I love knowing I’ve achieved something else. I love the fact it’s a new journey. Something different. Something to learn. New things to be seen heard and shown. 2020 is definitely going to be my year.

Disheartening…

It’s so disappointing when people you thought were your friends turn out to be just fake phoneys. It’s so sad when you put your all into everything and everyone and always end up let down and disappointed. The truth is not everyone has the same morals as you and not everyone has the same heart as you. But if you always do good you just presume everyone will do good back as you’ve done nothing wrong…. oh no even people you think will never hurt you would tear your heart out your chest. It’s soul destroying. You trust so hard. You care too much. You respect so high. You big them up. And bang you end up hurt… the truth is you can only ever trust yourself and you can only ever rely on your self. Expect nothing from nobody and you’ll never be disaapointed

them down days

We all have them. Where we don’t wanna get up out of bed. Where we don’t wanna get dressed. Where we wanna stay led In the dark. Not necessarily because we are down or sad but sometimes just because we don’t feel up to anything. It’s okay to have them sorts of days. It’s okay to rest. It’s okay to chill out. It’s okay to have a lazy day. Don’t ever do anything you don’t want to do.

today is completely different

Woke up this morning feeling like a complete heap of shit. I just can’t seem to get out of it. I go to work. I go to the gym. I see my friends. I have a good life. I don’t even know why I feel the way I do. But I feel like a slob. I feel like a big blob of nothing ness is the only way I can explain it. There’s a big dark cloud over me. I can’t put my finger on it. Everyone always sees me as a this big happy bundle of joy and the truth is that is the case because no matter what my mood is I smile to cover it up. But today it’s like I can’t hide it. No matter what I try I can’t hide it. I wouldn’t wish this upon anyone. I really wouldn’t.

a day in a carers life

Being a Carer is exactly what it says in the name. caring….

it’s a lot more than taking people to the toilet. It’s a lot more than feeding those who can’t them selves.

It’s being a friend. It’s being someone they love. It’s being someone they trust. Someone they rely on. Someone they want to be around.

Your there the moment they open their eyes to say good morning. Your there when they go to sleep and to say good night. You wipe their tears when they cry. You smile when they laugh. you help them when their frustrated. you calm them down when their angry.

It’s like having a load of grand parents.

And everyone single one of them knows little things about you as you do them.

A daily routine goes something like this for an elderly person in a home

Good morning

Get ready

Breakfast

exercises

Brew

Lunch

Nap

Brew

Exercises

Activity

Tea time

Tv

Brew

Bed

Your there for every single second of that. But not just for one for everyone.

Being a carer sounds like a good daily routine doesn’t it????

& it can be sometimes.

Everyday is different….

There’s falls, deaths, ambulances, doctors, sick, blood, tears…

They tell you to not get attached but it’s impossible. Your there through everything. You never switch off. You find yourself going home worrying and panicking. You find yourself in the toilet wanting to scream. You find yourself crying. You find yourself skipping breaks. You find yourself staying later than you should. You find yourself not sleeping so good as so much is on your mind. You find yourself picking up extra shifts.

A Carer is not a job you do for money. A Carer isn’t just a job. It’s a life style. It’s because you care big. You love big. have a big heart.

being lied to.

Being lied to is officially the most disappointing thing. It’s that ‘ I’m not angry I’m just disappointed ‘ feeling.

It’s quite heart wrenching. But it’s also quite degrading. Because it means you wasn’t worth the truth. That hurts more.

Whenever you have a gut feeling always trust it as I always do and 80% of the time I’m right.

Being lied to, you can ask why they lied to over and over again but the truth is they won’t know or they will think that it was going to protect you from the truth.

But I think we’d all rather deal with the truth and get over it.

They lied because they didn’t want to lose you? Well they lost you for good even more for lying.

Being lied to makes so many questions run through your head.

Why would they?

What could possibly make them do that to you?

What was being covered up?

Why do I feel so hurt by this?

Truth is. Trust is the main factors of any relationship whether it be a partner a friend or a relative. When you trust someone you expect them to trust you back. That means telling the truth. Not hurting you. The basics really…

But the truth is not everyone has the same heart as you and not everyone has the same intentions as you….

trust yourself.

expect nothing from anyone and that way you can’t be hurt.