life being with a narcissist

when I was 16 when I met my ex. We will call him M. Ok so when I met M he was actually a friend of a friend and he wasn’t someone I ever found attractive but he was so cheeky and cocky and I loved that. I was warned by a few that he was bad news but being young I didn’t listen. He had a lot of girlfriends often didn’t last very long and even still that didn’t put me off.

I had never had a boyfriend before so I didn’t even know how to act towards one or what a relationship was about really.

But me and M we laughed, we giggled, we cried, we shared every emotion together.

He worked away a lot but the excitement we both felt when we knew he was coming back unreal and we just couldn’t stay away from one another.

2 months into it he ended it.

No reason. No explanation. He left me

I was besotted by him and it baffled me why he just changed his mind.

I begged and begged and begged to try again but he ignored me. A few weeks went by and I suddenly snapped out of it and realised that it hasn’t been that long and I’ll find someone else one day. Then suddenly tables turned and he wanted me back and of course being the silly teenager I was I gave it another chance.

4 solid years we spent together.

In the 4 years we had a dog 2 kids and 2 houses. I was 18 and working full time had a boyfriend who I lived with in our own house who worked full time and we had pets.

It felt like I’d hit the jackpot. I was in love. It was clear.

Then it all became clear to me…..

I was living a life where I answered to someone. I had to ask to go out. He’d tell me to change my clothes and that i looked better without makeup. I wasn’t allowed to post on social media unless he was in the picture. Friends were allowed round but I wasn’t allowed out.

People told me it wasn’t right but by this time I was already used to it all.

Looking back now I was a completely different person. I was answering to someone’s demand.

I mothered him. I cleaned our house, I cooked, I did the washing, I walked the dog, I fed the pets, I did the shopping, I paid the bills and he had it pretty easy. I didn’t go out. I went to work did my housework and slept. Just how he liked it.

One day I sat down with M and tried to express how I felt and he shrugged me off like I didn’t matter. So I rebelled. I wore makeup and I went out. M carried out the you don’t care about me and my feelings card and by this point I felt guilty. I wanted to make him happy.

He didn’t want me. He needed me. He had everything given to him on a plate by me but yet he wanted more by others.

Narcissistic behaviour is so easy to read when you’ve experienced it. But if youve never had it before its like a draining mystery and you feel like you’ll never get the answer as to why these things are happening. Why does he not show any emotion towards my feelings my thoughts my opinions but yet when he wants to discuss everything has to be on him. My whole attention has to be on him. Why is it what he says go. Why does he control everything. Why does everything have to be in order as to how he wants it? Why is it when I threaten to leave he isn’t bothered let’s me go but then wants me back days or even weeks after… and if he threatens to go I beg.

But why do we do this?????

Why does it happen this way????

Simply because narcissistic people need to feel needed. The truth is the best of us fall for it.

it’s hard to break away from them.

I was cheated on 7 times with 7 different women and called every name on the sun. That made me leave. It took a lot. It took 6 lots of cheating, 6 lots of tears but I still didn’t go. Because every single time he led me to believe he was just having a blip and it would all be ok.

Sounds daft right but when your in that mind frame you believe it all. M told me he needed me and couldn’t live without me and it was true in most ways. He relied on me. I was basically his mother and that’s ideal for a narcissist.

But when I left I blamed myself for so long.

That it must of been my fault and every time I told him that, M agreed that every part of it was on me because he acted on my behaviour.

Time away from M and socialising and talking to new people made me realise that M’s behaviour wasn’t normal. He was one on his own that I’d ever experienced. That really he was insecure. It was him who didn’t trust. Him who felt like he wasn’t good enough. Him who felt like he didn’t belong.

With them thoughts in my head when I met new people I realised they were all a breath of fresh air and in fact nothing was my fault. I worked hard I earned money and I tried to love the best I could. When the going got tough I tried to talk but he didn’t want to listen. When the going got tough for M I had no choice but to listen.

But now I know the traits of a narcissist

Anyone who

– needs to be needed

– will do anything for it to benefit them in their favour

-needs reassurance of feelings constant

-needs to be told they are wanted

-wants others to beg and plead for them

-basically needs to be mothered

-wants their points across but doesn’t want to hear yours

Run. Run for your dear life and do not look back.

Do not be dragged into the traumatic rollercoaster that you can’t get off for a very long time!!!!

Published by A little bit of this and a lot of that

23 years old. Live in Lytham St Annes. Care Assistant. Big Heart. Big dreams. A lot to say.

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