Going right back to when I was 16. I was stick thin and I’d just left high school and I still thought I was fat!!!!!!
Here is what I thought was fat…
This was my prom… yeah exactly. Nothing to me.
It’s mad how every time you look in the mirror you just see a lump. Regardless of what anyone told me or said to me it didn’t make the slightest of difference. I just never saw a positive imagine staring back at me. Needless to say it was only ever going to get worse from there….
When I met my first ever boyfriend at 16, weight didn’t even enter my head. Eating takeaways and pigging out just was amazing because you was doing it with someone you wanted to spend time with. Before you know it one day you go to put your clothes on and none of them fit…..
When you look in the mirror this time you see an even bigger lump and the then all of a sudden no one is trying to reassure you otherwise because the image you was originally seeing you turned into. At the age of 18 I shot up-to a size 20. It was then at that point where I realised….. shit!
I really am massive. I was going on holidays with my boyfriends family and I was so covered up I always came back ghostly. I never showed off my body in fact I was wearing clothes bigger than what I was which wasn’t helping one little bit. So at a size 20 I really was miserable and the boyfriend ( ex ) obviously told me I was being silly and I was lovely as I was and blah blah blah! The usual bullshit….
But here it is the harsh reality….
Now this really got to me. No body showed me this picture until I had got home from holiday and I knew there was a reason why. If I knew I looked that big standing next to Amy child’s I wouldn’t of got a picture at the time but on holiday you don’t care your so engrossed in the hot weather and the atmosphere nothing phases you. But this really did hit me when I got back home.
My head resembled a bowling ball and it effected me in many ways. I stopped going out. I isolated myself. I went to work and went to bed and that took its toll on my relationship. I didn’t want my partner to see my body. I didn’t love it so why should I????
I should of saw what happened next coming but I didn’t because he assured me that I was beautiful.
He did the dirty. We won’t go into that on this post. But it played on my mind what if it’s my fault? What if this is because I don’t let him see my body and I don’t give him the sexual engagement he needs. Then one day we got into a blazing row because he did it for the 7th time and he said no one would ever love a fat bitch like me.
When I eventually packed my stuff and left. Nothing else stayed in my mind. Just that comment.
And from that… I did everything I possibly could in my power to lose weight. We split when I was 20. From the age of 20 to now my weight has only been what I can describe as the bumpiest rollercoaster known. I would get so happy just losing a pound or 2 but then going on a night out id gain 5 or 6 back and it was a vicious circle. It’s now been 3 years since I left and it’s safe to say. I’ve been doing me. I’m not 100% happy with my body and there’s always things that can be changed and altered. But for the first time ever I don’t look in the mirror and see a big fat lump. I see myself. I am curvy. I have a shape. But at the end of the day I am not the fat bitch he claimed I was. I am so proud of myself and what I’ve achieved in the time it’s taken. I glow different. I smile different. I am different.
this is me now.
I work 13 hours a day 5 days a week on my feet. I go running most days and go on very long walks. Today I’ve even joined the gym and that’s where I’m heading now. I don’t go out drinking often and I don’t pig out anymore. I’m cautious and careful but not so strict. The monster in my head and the monster in the mirror has officially gone. But I remember feeling the way I felt. It eats you alive. It makes you sad. It makes you ill. It makes you poorly.
But only you can change that. Only you can make the changes you want. Take a time out. Focus on yourself and do you.
Lots of love